guys, i’ve been meaning to write this post for a long time now and knew it was inevitable. i just wasn’t sure at first whether it was a good idea to start this blog with this kind of article. so i had posted couple of other “every day” articles before i decided i was ready for this one. the previous text i published has much to do with the article you are reading now. i’m not going to waste more time bragging about shit. here it is. i guess i am anorexic. i can’t say it for sure because i don’t know the exact symptoms of that disease. well, sorry folks, as i’m writing this blog i’m also browsing the mac dictionary which says that anorexia is a lack or loss of appetite for food - but i have greater appetite than ever before - so it suggested me to compare with bulimia - i think that’s what describes me the best.

bulimia is
- insatiable overeating as a medical condition, in particular an emotional disorder involving distortion of body image and an obsessive desire to lose weight, in which bouts of bouts of extreme overeating are followed by depression and self-induced vomiting, purging, or fasting. Also called binge-purge syndrome.

- an eating disorder in which a large quantity of food is consumed in a short period of time, often followed by feelings of guilt or shame.  Also called binge-eating syndrome.

yeah, i found it! i’m a bulimic. i mean i don’t vomit after i eat, but i have bouts of extreme overeating. my most thoughts are food related and i think that i had become over-reacted during my stay in the states. i effin’ hate it. i just wanna be “normal” again. i wanna be the same i was before i left. wtf happened to me?

i have couple of theories how it all began. i blame the fact that i wasn’t used to be gone from my parents for a long period of time. however i had spent some time without them before i left for the us. i had gone to greece with my friends for three weeks and then there was numerous one-week stays. to name few of them: school ski trips, ski trips with my friends, hockey and language camps, school biking trips, hockey tournaments in sweden and many more.

i always was happy to have some time alone without my parents. i would often fight with them when they didn’t let me go to a party or stay late out. and we would usually find a compromise. and now when i’m much older i enjoy spending time with them.

but back to my eating disorder issue. when i got to the us i was shocked. the family i was staying with lived on a farm ten miles from the school, the house was dirty and the food they ate was crap. there was no fruit nor veggie in the house and i was getting worried i would gain weight. plus i didn’t have anyone to talk out my issues with nor a close person to complain to.

“Sometimes, it’s easier to say that you’re fine instead of having to explain all the reasons why you’re not.”

unknown

there was no one to take care of me when i needed it the most. crying into pillow wasn’t enough to ease my mind but i didn’t feel like cutting my veins would change anything. so i found a relief in the food. i ate excess amount of food. the more i was worried to eat something unhealthy the greater amount of food i was consuming. the bouts of overeating were becoming more frequent and i was becoming more stressed.

all of this had just a slight impact on my body. after two months i was moved to another family. this one was healthy but the food they ate was rubbish too. i was reading all kind of blogs about healthy diet and became a weight-watcher even though i was skinny to death. i couldn’t think of anything else but food. people didn’t feel comfortable in my company. i was anxious all the time.

“No matter what you do or say, there’s nothing that you can do to make people understand you.”
Kurt Cobain

by then i had completely stopped drinking soft drinks or anything that had added sugar in it. whenever i had to eat fast food or pizza i became more anxious. i would always read the calories and count how many miles i’d have to walk to burn them all. i became a total freak. no matter how cold it was outside i walked everywhere. there was ups and there was downs. although i managed to find some friends became more independent on my host-family, i still remained food obsessed. time flowed and i was supposed to leave. just when i was getting better.

“Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”
Audrey Niffenegger

when i got back to the czech republic it started all over again. but i don’t want to bore you with that. there is just nothing that would fascinate me. there’s nothing that inspires me and i am struggling hard to find something to keep me entertained. i hate when people stare at me. i don’t know whether it’s the fact i’m so skinny or there’s something else wrong. i keep reading blogs and books on healthy diet. i always come up with some beyond doubt advice that i feel like i need to add to my daily routine. as those pile up, i don’t know which rule to follow first and everything gets even worse.

“I feel like every time something new and exciting happens I am unable to hang onto it and I always fall back into a stereotype full of melancholy and emptiness.”
Sara Tomovic

in conclusion i just want to say that i’d like to be “normal” again. i know it’s a long-run but i believe i can make it. i want to ask you if you could share any ideas or experience you might have that had helped you or anyone you know to get out of this shit.

i should live according to this quote, but it’s not easy as it sounds.

“I NEED TO BE SLIGHTLY NUMB IN ORDER TO REGAIN THE ENTHUSIASUM I ONCE HAD”
Kurt Cobain

i think i haven’t mentioned here that i had spent a year abroad! exactly in decorah, iowa.

i don’t know why i decided to go there. perhaps it was that i didn’t get along well with my parents at that time, perhaps it was the fact that i had idealized the us from the movies, and maybe i went because my friends did the same. i was thinking i would go to nyc or san francisco. all i had to do was to sent in an application and then wait. i had to wait for a long, from february until august. and then all of a sudden i got an email saying i have to leave in two days. the family that picked lived on a farm in riceville, ia. i don’t want to talk about it here. it’s not polite. i’ll just tell you that after two month i was in a different family. in decocrah, ia. the change was inevitable and sweeping. the new family was wealthy and stuff. but they were kinda superficial and didn’t enjoy spending time with me. it was nothing else but suffering for me. well, but after while i made lots of friends and from there on it was great experience. road trips, touring around, movie nights, sleepover, pond hockey, etc.. i would recommend spending a year abroad to everyone. not only you will mature faster, but broaden your opinions as well.

listen to: the vignettes - a wrecking ball

after i write this post, i brush my teeth and then go to bed just to wake up tomorrow morning to the old school routine of waking up at 6.30, homework, and all that stuff conected to school. i am just about to say something i have never though of saying. i’m kinda happy to go back to school and have a regular schedule again. as the holidays start i’m always full of ideas and energy, i want to do this and that, i have projects going on in my head, but after few days it gets tedious, i get sick of the over-the-top christmas atmosphere and i just suffer. i’m not relaxed when i go out with my friends, because i worry i haven’t studied a single minute yet and we always have tons of test after the christmas break. when i stay home, i don’t study because it bores me and i get in that state when i stress out for i have done nothing the entire day. so this is pretty much how it went for the rest of the holidays.

however, the new year’s eve was an exception. i decided to go with my parents to our acquaintances since i didn’t feel like anything wild. i don’t need that anymore, i don’t need to rebel or to show my parents i have the power. we get along better than ever before, so yay. i got shy when we were about to take off to the company. here’s the deal, when i was young, probably until i was 14, we would have an occasion about twice a month with those people. i knew them better than my uncles or aunts but than i suddenly found it silly to hang out with them and stopped attending those get-togehters. i wanted to go out with people of my choice not with children of my parents’ friends. i was just stupid. i wasn’t realizing i’d become a friend with them myself too. and now i’m supposed to see them again? pretend like i didn’t disappear from their lives for almost five years? i wasn’t sure i could do that. how are they going to take me? will they welcome me warmly or will they just pretend they don’t see me? ok, i gotta admit they were nice to me. the were scanning me for a while, some of them didn’t even recognize me, but they actually let me in again. i had loads of fun. i guess i’ll be attending those parties when i get the opportunity.

i’ll tell you about that issue in a different post. i promise. it’s just getting late and i need to get some sleep to be energized at school tomorrow.

listen to: mumm-ra - she’s got you high

hey! welcome to my new blog. i picked tumblr over other blogging systems as it has a simple and yet functional design and i don’t have enough experience and time to make a functioning page myself. it means i can easily post new things from my computer, as well as my cell phone anytime.

i don’t know what it will be all about. i can basically post anything here. journals, texts, photos, school work, etc. you name it all! it might be about fashion or architecture, about my experience as an exchange student, and mainly about my everyday. i’d like to post a few updates a week, but it also depends on you guys. the more feedback i get, the more motivated i will be to post new things.